Had a really great day that started to go wrong towards the end of the day and it ended with an argument with my mother and she ends up scolding me over the phone. (My mom has a superpower that only she can make me feel worse one the other side like no one else could. Only she can say the words that will make me feel like I’m 10 years old again) So, here I am, finding nothing to do about my plight but cry, scream, gripe and move on.
There are things I wish I could say to her, but I never did. They get caught in my throat and then just circle in my head. I just kept it all inside because I wanted that feeling to go away. It has been eating me for years. Lest anyone accuse me of being a bad daughter for blogging about this.
I am not. I love my mom more than anyone can ever imagine. I can’t imagine my life without my mom. And yet at times like this, I wonder why I just opened my mouth and said those things out loud.There are so many things going on that I can’t even begin to talk to her about.
I’m stressed about something but I can’t tell her.Yes I’ve been feeling so sick this past couple of months. I know what I have but I don’t want to talk to her about it. To be honest because I think she’s a bad listener. Coupled with the fact that she’s a great reactor. It upsets me that she laughs at my expense and doesn’t care that I can hear it. It’s like she loves it that she embarasses me. She does that to me but never to anyone. My mom is fun to be with and everybody loves her. But sometimes I don’t want to be around her because she criticizes me and makes me feel really bad. I just can’t reach the standards because whatever it is that I do It’s never enough. She said that I’m stuck in the past maybe I am.
I’m going to do this for her and for me I’ll let go of the past.I’ll stop feeling bad about the things that happened in our past so that I can move forward. For my kids sake and especially for our own sake.